During this pandemic especially, I have an incredibly useful ability to do things for myself. Make choices that are beneficial and good for my own mental health and self-acceptance. I am lucky to not be swayed by worrying about the opinions of others as they are just that – other. A Level English taught me that ‘the other’ is quite often the most interesting theme to go for in an analytical essay.
But in this case, other people’s opinions on my image and choices are the most uninteresting and pointless thing.
However in work, this is turned on its head. I am now employed as a freelance editor (or linguist if we are feeling that way inclined) and I am confronted with doing work not for myself but for my employer’s benefit. This occurred to me when I recently received my first piece of constructive feedback. It is such a change to actively be completing work that has little, tangible benefit to me but rather is helping out someone just beyond my reach.
I felt it important to address this detail of being a brand new employee. Real life bleeds into the journey from struggling through the stress of A-Levels to the anxiety and absolute thrill of independent uni life. And on the other side, pandemic or not, there is this stillness. At first, it is peaceful and calm. You can wake up at home, in your own bed for days and days without feeling anything but undisturbed contentment. At a certain point, the colours of real life anxieties swirl around like an uncomfortable breeze and it feels like a breathless race to be employed.
Employed, I have hit a point where I am having to face consequences of my work mattering to someone else more than it’s worth to me. And honestly, it feels like a step back. It is difficult to maintain clarity when, for so long, you are taught to strive for what you want. A Level grades, what university or course you wish to get into, to make new friends, to make enough friends, and what career you want to catapult yourself into with the force of a thousand days of hard, academic work. Suddenly all that want is gone from under your feet and you are left flapping, increasingly stumped as to why you are sacrificing elements of your mental wealth or comfort for this work. The platform you stand on is there, maybe feeling a little less sturdy than before, but you get hit with doubt.
Doubts arise due to the absence of that addictive, glowing belief in what you want to achieve – what you wanted to achieve.
This isn’t an existential post, rather a lesson in getting over the first employee hit. Perfect doesn’t necessarily exist in pandemic times of job seeking and it is always a necessary evil to deal with constructive criticism.
BUT, there is DEFINITELY something off about secondary schoolers being whacked around the head to obey the stressful force of working, working, working for what you want. The cut-off of oxygen post-university leaves you baffled. Why had I spent so much time stressing to get here? Where am I? And… why am I doing the work I am? This is where the need for clarity of perspective is crucial.
The perspective that living for the day-to-day is alright. Absolutely alright. It’s a slower pace, perhaps. But allowed. Entirely fine. The small things are as nifty and rewarding as the bolder, flashier things like getting into that dreamy, attractive university course. I like to look back on the fact that I still was chosen for the job I hold.
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